i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this will be a night to untag.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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