i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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