the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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