Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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