I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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