I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
