i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
