you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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