nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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