TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
