I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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