I puked a lego.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
