hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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