i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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