Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
