if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
