I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
