I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
