I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
