she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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