How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
