Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
