She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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