is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
