I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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