Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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