i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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