captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
