Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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