I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
