Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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