first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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