just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
