3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
