I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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