i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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