We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
