This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
