You're my little dorito
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
