nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is Oprah even human
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
