Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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