The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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