Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
