she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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