Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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