ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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