we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
