I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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