All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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