And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
