I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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