Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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