I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
